Written by Carol Teitelbaum, MFT
Reprinted from RECOVERY ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE
Welcome to the world of sexuality. As a child develops into adolescence, hormones flow through their body and changes begin to occur.
During puberty, boys’ voices begin to lower, hair appears in places where they never had hair before, and their bodies start to smell differently. When they sweat, everyone in the family yells at them about taking more showers. Erections happen at inopportune times, ejaculations during dream time. “What is happening to me?” is the question many boys ask.
So many young boys have no male role model, no one to talk to them about how their body is changing, and no one to answer their questions about sex. They are on their own, left to turn to friends and the Internet to give them the information they are longing. But those sources are often plagued with inaccurate information, or void of any emotional connection.
When do young men discover pornography? Most boys are exposed at age twelve. It is so easy to happen onto pornography even when one is not looking for it. Years ago, whitehouse.com was a porn site. Kids did not know the correct site was .org and lots of unsuspecting children got more than they bargained for.
At age twelve a boy is not mature enough to understand sexuality, they only know that their body is responding to these images. Watching pornography gives men a false sense of what sexuality between two adults is really about. Time after time male clients tell me there is something wrong with their partner, explaining that she is not passionate or willing to do what they see on porn videos.
The women in the videos are excited and “turned on” just by observing the nude male body and are instantly aroused and ready for sex just at the thought of it.
More and more men ask me how to get their women to give them oral sex. My question to these men is “What do you do to help her be aroused enough to want to give you oral sex?” Their answer is mostly “What do you mean?”
These men are not being funny. They are serious. Never having had any real sex education, or conversations about what women need, they have no idea. Many men believe female porn stars are an accurate portrayal of women. When I explain that those women on the screen are actresses and they might be going over their shopping list in their head during their performance. Men argue that what I am saying is not true. I have to repeat myself several times explaining they are getting paid to “act” this way.
More and more young men are addicted to porn. Patrick Carnes stated, “The ‘high’ from pornography was just under the ‘high’ created by meth and that someone could get addicted to porn their first time.
Masturbating to porn images becomes an easy, but an isolating way of feeling pleasure.
The problems resulting from this behavior is a new disorder, Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction. Young men are finding they can masturbate, have erections and ejaculations just fine to porn, however when they added a real life woman, they could not perform. All of a sudden there was a real person who wanted something back, who had feelings and desires of their own, and might want to talk. These men have a very difficult time adjusting to this ‘sharing ‘way of being and might shut down altogether.
This whole experience is not faring well for our young women either. They report that men are selfish lovers, not wanting women to ask for anything or have any sexual expectations. Young women are questioning what they might be lacking, and why her body does not excite their man. In fact, many young women who watch porn are comparing their bodies to porn stars, and actually having genital surgery so they can match up to the women on the screen.
What can we do? Education! In our country, we use sex to sell everything, but we rarely have honest conversations about it. Our young people need education, mentors and honest conversations about bodies, sexuality and relationships. Adults also need to become educated and feel comfortable enough to talk about sex as well, among themselves. Even some therapists have told me they are uncomfortable talking about sex and tend to steer the conversation onto another subject.
Discover healthy sexuality, no matter your age. It is never too late.
