It Happens to Boys
Twelfth Annual Conference October 2021
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"The urgency of our work is felt more now than any other time in America," says Carol Teitelbaum, LMFT and co-founder of the It Happens to Boys Conference. "With the lightning-fast movement and sharing of information combined with rampant abuse of power, there's simply no place for perpetrators to hide anymore."
Click to see the beautiful article about our It Happens to Boys Conference by Holli Kenley https://clearlifeinc.com/brave-beautiful-men-shedding-toxic-masculinity-sharing-truthful-messages/
Written by Carol Teitelbaum, MFT
Reprinted from THE SOBER WORLD
“YOU CAN ALWAYS HEAR THE LAUGHTER, SELDOM HEAR A TEAR FALL.” ~ KEITH JOHNSTONE
James, a six-year-old boy, is sitting in his room wondering about the man that his mom is dating. Mom has been telling him all about Tom whom she says is wonderful, kind and loving and has always wanted a little boy of his own. So far, Tom pays very little attention to him. Playing quietly in his room is what James does best since dad left. Mom cries all the time and he rarely sees her smile. He does not know how to make her happy so he just stays out of her way.
Tom decides it is time for the two of them to bond so he takes James fishing. James has never been on a boat before and has never gone fishing. Tom teaches him how to bait a hook, cast the line- and wait. While they wait for the fish to bite, Tom asks James lots of questions. He wants to know everything about him- his favorite food, favorite color, comic book, movie, and favorite songs. No one ever asked these questions before and it is pretty cool.
Mom smiles often now and James wants that to continue. Tom buys James gifts all the time and takes him to the movies, out to lunch, and does all the cool things his friends do with their dads. When mom asks how he would feel if she married Tom, of course, James said YES.
Now he is eight years old and life is good. He is doing well in school; he’s on the peewee baseball team and is very happy. One night, his life changed forever. Tom came in to tuck him in and rather than the normal mussing of his hair as he said goodnight, Tom inappropriately touched James. James froze, what is happening? This must be a mistake. Nothing is said at breakfast and Tom is acting normal, maybe that didn’t happen at all. A couple of nights later and for the next five years it happened again and again. James started taking long showers trying to wash away the dirty feeling. What is wrong with me, why is this happening to me?
How many little boys go through this scenario? Unfortunately, more than we would like to think. One in four boys will be sexually abused by the age of 18 and most abuse happens between the ages of 8 and 10. The perpetrators are not a group of strangers. We have been teaching our children to fear strangers for years. Studies show that is not the strangers we have to watch out for, over 93% of perpetrators are someone the child knows and trusts and many are family members. If someone who is supposed to be your caretaker, your protector, your champion abuses you, whom can you trust?
One of the most damaging effects of sexual abuse, as a child, is the loss of trust.
Children always blame themselves when something bad happens in the family. There is a reason for that. If it is the child’s fault, they feel they can do something about it. They can get older, smarter, more handsome, and help their parents get better. If they feel it is their parent’s fault and that there is something wrong with them, children know that there will be no one to take care of them. They have no money, no car, and no apartment to live in, what will happen to them?
I run two therapy groups a month for men who were abused as children. I watch each time a new man comes to the group for the first time as he hears the other men’s stories. They are so surprised and the same response comes out of them, “I had no idea, I thought I was the only one with these experiences and feelings.”
The enduring effect of childhood sexual abuse creates an easy road to the world of drugs and alcohol. For male survivors who are told to be “a real man” “you must be strong”, “never cry”, “don’t be vulnerable or ask for help”, “protect yourself” and then, as adults, ”be prepared to die for your country”, the thought of not measuring up to this criteria can make him feel shame. Shame because everyone will think he is not a real man.
When a young survivor is introduced to drugs or alcohol, they take it and guess what? The shame is gone. Do you think they will want to give that up? Unfortunately, the numbness they feel is only temporary, and once the drugs or alcohol wear off, the feeling all come back. Over 68 % of men in drug and alcohol recovery centers are sexual abuse survivors but few ever tell anyone. They leave treatment only to be triggered and relapse, creating a revolving door.
Education for our health and mental health professionals is paramount. After speaking about this subject for ten years, I am finding that so many people are uncomfortable with the subject of sex and very uncomfortable with the issues of sexual abuse, especially happening to boys. I am also finding that if the professional offers a safe, non-judgmental ear, many men will share their stories. Our organization offers two free group therapy sessions a month for male survivors and we find they are so relieved to find somewhere that they feel safe enough to share their story and get help.
Our organization also creates workshops for male patients in recovery facilities as well as training for the staff. We speak at conferences, schools and professional organizations.
An old Swedish saying, “A joy shared is doubled, a sorrow shared is halved.” We all want to be seen and heard. Be a compassionate listener. You may be the one person who saves a survivors life.
Carol Teitelbaum, LMFT is the co-founder of Creative Change Conferences. The 12th Annual It Happens to Boys Conference will be held in Rancho Mirage, October 2021 A premiere conference on the effects and healing of childhood sexual abuse for male survivors, their partners, parents, teachers, mental health professionals, health professionals and the recovery community. Together we can create a healing community. www.creativechangeconferences.com
Our Last Conference
Rancho Mirage, Calif
February 29, 2020
Mistress of Ceremonies
John Lee, Bestselling author: Courting a Woman's Soul
"What is the difference between love and lust? Lust takes everything and gives nothing, Love gives everything and takes so little." Learn how to pick the right man for you life.
Mary Richardson, M.Phil.
Mary co-founded an international program focusing on co-dependence. International speaker, consultant, author, coach in the United States and United Kingdom.
is a leader with the California Cosortium of Addiction Programs and Professionals (CCAPP), where she serves as the Director of Education. The hats she wears are many
from criminal justice to gang task force, WAAT, board of directors of National Association of Lesbian, Gay Bisexual, Transgender Addiction Professionals and their Allies. and more
Ivy League Award winner. International Interventionist of the year 2019, popular author and professor, and speaker on mental health, addictions, process disorders and chronic pain. Louise will present The Power of Story with special guest Anouska De Georgiou, Actress, model, singer, singer recovery specialist.
LMFT in private practice since 1992 helping clients achieve more effective and meaningful lives. Chaundra will be helping us create our own soul collage.
Sparrow Goudey, Workshop facilitator/Wellbriety scholar. Integrating spirituality, ceremony, traditional arts and curriculum. International trainer for White Bison, Co-founder of NADRI Native American Drug and Alcohol Recovery Initiative, and owner of Healing the Circle Workshops.
"The urgency of our work is felt more now than any other time in America," says Carol Teitelbaum, LMFT and co-founder of the It Happens to Boys Conference. "With the lightning-fast movement and sharing of information combined with a rampant abuse of power, there's simply no place for perpetrators to hide anymore."
There is Hope
For eleven years now, Creative Change Conferences has brought together some of the brightest names in mental health and recovery to explore the links between child abuse and addiction, depression, low self-esteem, relationship and intimacy challenges, sexual dysfunction and compulsion, pornography use and more.
Click to see beautiful article about our It Happens to Boys Conference by Holli Kenley https://clearlifeinc.com/brave-beautiful-men-shedding-toxic-masculinity-sharing-truthful-messages/
Donate above or How are you called to serve?
Sexual abuse is an acute societal problem masked by a long entrenched cultural habit of denial. People don't talk about it and that very secrecy contributes to perpetrators believing they can get away with it. We need your help to give courageous healers a voice and combat this epidemic.